Archive for November, 2008
Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.”
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering and entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enought test as it was.”
St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. FIRST: What two days of the week begin with the letter “T”? SECOND: How many seconds are there in a year? THIRD: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have has a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replied, “Well, the first one – which two days of the week begins with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be TODAY and TOMORROW.”
St. Peter’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.”
“How about the next one?” asked St. Peter. How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? – Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd……. “Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will give you credit for that one, too.
Let’s go on with the thrid and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?
“Sure”, Forrest replied, “It’s Andy.”
“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came you with your answeres to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name “Andy” as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, ” Forrest replied.
“I learnt it from the song, ‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
“RUN FORREST, RUN!”
You Can’t Fix Stupid !!!
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008We’ve all seen these, here’s a few to point out the obvious 
What goes around, come around….
Civil War Planes? Lemme know how that works out….
and you wonder why?
“We had no idea anyone was buried there”
And here I was, sitting with rat poison thinking it looked tasty!
What are the odds of that?
DUH….YEAH
Uncommon Uses For Household Items – Who Knew?
Monday, November 24th, 2008
Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson Corn Oil in your cat’s or dog’s ear… message it in then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat Daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s or dog’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Kills fleas instantly… Dawn Dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations… Good-Bye-Fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog order: Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. This also works on Human hair too.
Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately – without unpleasant side effect caused by traditional pain relievers?
Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns? Works on Zits too! It shrinks them overnight and reduces redness.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product has never been advertised for this use.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Balm for broken blister..disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.
Rinsing with Listerine daily prevents sore throats and colds.